Written by Jody Cecil, our Licensed Professional Counselor

We all have a part of us we dislike, and we often refer to them as “bad”. A bad habit, an addiction, sinfulness, or some other critical and belittling name. We hate feeling anxious or depressed. We work hard to fix and change ourselves, sometimes with little success. What if, instead, we could befriend that part and show it compassion? Even be grateful for it? According to Dr. Richard Schwartz, the creator of an evidence-based psychotherapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS), “A part is not just a temporary emotional state or habitual thought pattern. Instead, it is a discrete and autonomous mental system that has an idiosyncratic range of emotion, style of expression, set of abilities, desires, and view of the world. [It] is as if we each contain a society of people, each of whom is at a different age and has different interests, talents, and temperaments.” Dr. Schwartz and others invite us to consider these parts with curiosity and compassion. All parts belong.

As human beings, it seems we contain within us a multitude of parts. Some feel younger, as in the example shared from Ted Lasso. As you read these examples, begin to be curious about the different parts within you. While ordering at a restaurant, a part of me plans to choose a healthy salad; when the server arrives, I order a greasy burger. A part of us wants to be with our friends, and yet, another part may want to stay home. On any given day, despite years of experience in our professional roles, a part of us may feel like we have no idea what we’re doing. It’s very common to feel competing impulses, thoughts and feelings, and our relationship with those parts matters.

In the earlier example from Ted Lasso, Rebecca’s anxious little girl might be considered an exiled part – the part of the personality who holds painful memories, unmet needs, and disowned feelings. If Rebecca had sat down and decided not to attend the meeting, we could say that a protective part had jumped in to help her. The protector part is not bad; she’s doing her job. She was warning Rebecca of the danger within the next room. In the past, people had been judgmental and unkind. Of course, Rebecca is an adult now and can handle the situation much differently. Adult Rebecca could have ignored the anxious young part, but instead, she notices her and empowers her.

Viewing ourselves as parts invites greater self-compassion and grace. If we are more tender with ourselves, we discover greater opportunities for healing and growth. We feel empowered. I often tell clients, “Not all of you is anxious right now; they are simply a part of you”. Naming the part leads to a separation. We can see that part and seek to understand what might be worrying them rather than criticizing them. Now we have agency and hope. I invite you to try it out and notice the parts of you. If you feel you need additional support from a licensed professional, you can contact me at https://www.takingrootcounseling.com.

As a counselor, I welcome all parts of you.

Written by our Licensed Professional Counselor, Jody Cecil

One of my favorite symbols is the ampersand. Anyone who visits my home will find a few scattered throughout, in varied sizes, textures and colors. The symbol itself stands for the word “and”. Seems a bit strange to add them into your décor, right? Perhaps – until you see the power of this small character, a symbol of possibility and connection.

Our brain and bodies are wired for protection. To think in terms of either/or allows us to survive. Many years ago, as a young child, I wandered outside to play while my parents were entertaining a group of their friends. While exploring, I discovered mushrooms growing in our lawn. Now, I loved mushrooms and decided to eat a few while everyone else was enjoying their own meal. Turns out they were poisonous toadstools, not mushrooms. You can imagine what happened next. In so many situations, the categories of good and bad can keep us safe.

So much of our experience as human beings, however, is much more complex. If we interpret or perceive something as only good or bad / all or nothing, we may become stuck and rigid in our thinking. This rigidity often leads to distress, both internally and in relationships. Here’s where “&” invites hope. All of life includes both comfort and discomfort, beauty and heart ache, struggle and success, anger and peace. Even when ideas or circumstances feel like they are in conflict, the reality is that both sides are valid.

A dialectic is the idea that two opposites can both be true at the same time. To be dialectical means expanding your way of seeing things, being more flexible and approachable. We can practice being dialectical in our everyday experiences and interactions. Consider where your thinking might automatically perceive a situation as either/or and try to shift it a bit. Yes, you’re frustrated by the driver who just cut you off AND they may have had a good reason why they were driving so quickly. Our partners may have said something hurtful AND we recognize they just had a stressful day. We want to be more motivated to change AND we’re doing the best we can. Dialectical thinking invites us to validate and normalize a situation while at the same time, naming something that offers hope.

May we all learn to better embrace the power and hope of the “both/and”.

Interested in exploring the possibility of counseling? Reach out to Jody Cecil, our licensed professional counselor at the Flourish Center. You can contact her at https://takingrootcounseling.com.

A few weeks ago, I spent the weekend with a dear friend who is battling cancer for the second time. The days following a chemotherapy treatment can be daunting for her – physically, emotionally, and mentally – and my friend has no problem asking for support. Our time together highlighted the importance of boundaries, the lines and limits we create for ourselves so that we can function well in relationships with others. With my friend, for example, I knew it would not go well if I told her to do something, no matter how essential it was for her at that moment. How do you feel about the boundaries in your current relationships?

There are many types of boundaries including physical, emotional, relational, sexual, intellectual, time, financial, spiritual, and material boundaries. The limits we set are defined by multiple factors including our experiences as we grow up in our families. To narrow this topic a bit for today, let’s consider your relationships with a friend or family member.

Ask yourself these questions:

• What do I value in a relationship?
• What behaviors bother me?
• What qualities do I admire in others?
• How do I like to spend my time? What makes me feel fulfilled?
• How much time do I like to spend with others? What do I currently have time for now in my friendships?
• How easy is it for me to say no? To say yes?

Setting a boundary with someone can be difficult. Our boundaries may be too rigid (picture a wall without any doors and no access to others), too porous (the wall and door are there, but others can come and go as they please) or collapsed (no walls at all). When we find it difficult to set a limit, typically we’re afraid of something. We may fear . . .

We may fear . . .

• losing the love or approval of another person.
• the other’s anger.
• loneliness
• guilty feelings, feeling like a bad person when we say no.
• hurting the feelings of others.

If boundaries in relationships are challenging for you, another step may involve seeking the support of another person, including a counselor. In my practice, I collaborate with clients to change their boundaries through experiential therapy that includes experiments where we explore the body’s role in boundary setting. If you’re interested in working with me, click below.