Written by Jody Cecil, our Licensed Professional Counselor
In a powerful scene in the popular show Ted Lasso, Rebecca Welton (played by Hannah Waddingham) meets her younger self while calming the anxiety she feels as she prepares for an important meeting. (If you have not seen the comedy-drama or have forgotten the scene from Season 3, Episode 10, you can view it here. As she looks in the mirror, Rebecca sees herself as a little girl. The fear Rebecca feels seems to be coming from a much younger part of her.
We all have a part of us we dislike, and we often refer to them as “bad”. A bad habit, an addiction, sinfulness, or some other critical and belittling name. We hate feeling anxious or depressed. We work hard to fix and change ourselves, sometimes with little success. What if, instead, we could befriend that part and show it compassion? Even be grateful for it? According to Dr. Richard Schwartz, the creator of an evidence-based psychotherapy called Internal Family Systems (IFS), “A part is not just a temporary emotional state or habitual thought pattern. Instead, it is a discrete and autonomous mental system that has an idiosyncratic range of emotion, style of expression, set of abilities, desires, and view of the world. [It] is as if we each contain a society of people, each of whom is at a different age and has different interests, talents, and temperaments.” Dr. Schwartz and others invite us to consider these parts with curiosity and compassion. All parts belong.
As human beings, it seems we contain within us a multitude of parts. Some feel younger, as in the example shared from Ted Lasso. As you read these examples, begin to be curious about the different parts within you. While ordering at a restaurant, a part of me plans to choose a healthy salad; when the server arrives, I order a greasy burger. A part of us wants to be with our friends, and yet, another part may want to stay home. On any given day, despite years of experience in our professional roles, a part of us may feel like we have no idea what we’re doing. It’s very common to feel competing impulses, thoughts and feelings, and our relationship with those parts matters.
In the earlier example from Ted Lasso, Rebecca’s anxious little girl might be considered an exiled part – the part of the personality who holds painful memories, unmet needs, and disowned feelings. If Rebecca had sat down and decided not to attend the meeting, we could say that a protective part had jumped in to help her. The protector part is not bad; she’s doing her job. She was warning Rebecca of the danger within the next room. In the past, people had been judgmental and unkind. Of course, Rebecca is an adult now and can handle the situation much differently. Adult Rebecca could have ignored the anxious young part, but instead, she notices her and empowers her.
Viewing ourselves as parts invites greater self-compassion and grace. If we are more tender with ourselves, we discover greater opportunities for healing and growth. We feel empowered. I often tell clients, “Not all of you is anxious right now; they are simply a part of you”. Naming the part leads to a separation. We can see that part and seek to understand what might be worrying them rather than criticizing them. Now we have agency and hope. I invite you to try it out and notice the parts of you. If you feel you need additional support from a licensed professional, you can contact me at https://www.takingrootcounseling.com.
As a counselor, I welcome all parts of you.
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